*en casa

We're home after nearly a month away and I have so many things to do/organize, I hardly know where to start! There is so much I can tell about our trip - this is going to be a long, unorganized post. I will say we had a really great time simply spending time with Ben's family, seeing so many friends and enjoying the warmth and sunshine.

The girls traveled really well. I want to note that this was the first roadtrip that was actually easy with Vera [who called it a "tripride"] - I didn't have to constantly feed her activities, fun snacks and videos - she just hung out in her seat and kept herself entertained for the most part with what she hadin her backpack. She also did really well with all the outings and meeting new people. Our very first playdate was almost a disaster with her throwing a screaming fit the first 30 minutes. Thankfully it didn't happen again and she had tons of fun with each new friend she met. She seems to especially love boys that are her age or even a year younger.... not sure what that means - she does love to run and race around and be loud and silly as much as she loves princesses and dressing up.

I had intentions to take pictures of Vera with every one of her little friends that we met up with, but didn't end up getting very many. We got to spend time with the Bletschers, the Johnsons, Megan and Eden, Nieves and Catalina, the Delgados, the Abbys, the Kochs, Tio, Heather, Marie, Kristy, the Geantils, ... I'm probably missing someone. We drove a lot, but it was totally worth it. Seeing old friends is like medicine to my soul :)

Always so wonderful to see Robyn! For those of you who don't know my life story - I made the move to San Diego after college to housesit for them for a few months. I worked Wednesdays lunch [yes, just 3 hours a week] at Luna Notte - where I first met Ben Cater ♥

Nieves [I lived with her in Argentina] and her adorable little Catalina:

I have a picture of Vera and Eden right in this same spot last year. If I wasn't so tired, I would look up the link.

Eden and Edie on the Eden chair - Vera, Megan and I in the reflection:

Vera and Grant were so cute making waffles just before I took this:

Edie and Cale:

Marie is one of my oldest friends - I have a memory of our moms on the phone discussing whether we'd got the same kindergarten class. It's crazy now having a preschooler - I hope she still keeps in contact with her first friends!

The Kochs - friends from Montana who now live in the Central Valley. Vera was enamoured with the two older girls - and they made her feel quite the princess. She even had her first sleepover on their 3rd story bunk bed!

*edie bo beadie

Edie's first time in a high chair... there's something about their first time doing anything, so adorable and wonderful seeing them become a little person.

*yo amo la playa

ahhh, doesn't that look so lovely?

We're still here in California: the sunshine and warmth and visits with family and friends doing us a whole lot of good. Well - they think it's cold this week, but we know it to be 30 and snowing at home!

Vera has enjoyed the beach more than any other trip. She literally dances and jumps for joy, running back and forth to the water, digging, finding *treasures* and building castles and shouting YAY HooRAY!

So much fun jumping off the wall here with Eva's cousins:

*cinderella

*

Overheard in the car today:

Vera: Bunny, you can't come into the library - you have to stay in the car.

Bunny: Why?

V: Because we don't want you to get lost!

B: Oh, ok.

V: You're pretend.

B: I am? I thought I was not.

V: You are.

B: Oh.

*el lugar más feliz del mundo

We had a great time at Disneyland!! Such a happy, wonderful place :) The weather was PERFECT. It was really crowded too - however, Mike just had back surgery and so he used a wheelchair all day... which also happens to get you to the front of the line!

the teacups were the best!

I really like this one:

storybook land (not sure what it was called) she wouldn't watch as our boat entered the whale's mouth :)

the princesses! I just watched Vera's expressions as they each came on stage. She was SO.HAPPY.

When Cinderella came on stage she whispered to herself, "Cinderella! She's so pretty...." Ben got a picture of her with Cinderella on his phone... I need to get it.

Snow White brushed by her doing this little maypole dance and she totally held her breath :) I tried to switch maypoles so she could be by Cinderella but was too late.

Edie was a little trooper! She hung out in the baby bjorn all day, only napping a total of about 20 minutes and only fussing when it was time to eat [we paid for this the next day with a very fussy, tired baby]. I had to miss Space Mountain to feed her and so when she was hungry right when we were about to get on Pirates of the Caribbean, I just decided to nurse her on the ride. She got splashed a few times, but was just fine :) She was totally enthralled here on It's a Small World:

She did well on the submarine ride too, though she got a little scared when the mines exploded :( None of us saw it coming.

After Mike and Rosie left, Ben embraced his role as physically/mentally impaired:

just entering the park. Vera had an awesome time and despite all the excitement, sugar, running around, she didn't have the meltdown I predicted!

*4 months!

I want to post these pictures of Edie at 4 months before I wait too long and she's 5 months! It's going by fast and I love to think what she'll be doing in the next 4 months :) So at her appointment last week she weighed 13 lbs 15 oz (50%) and was 24 3/4 inches long (75%). She has the cutest little soft voice and talks a lot - you just have to listen close :) She is ticklish on her tummy and neck and has the cutest little giggle. She has only rolled over a few times - from tummy to back. Her sleeping is getting even worse, if that's possible. I lose track of how many times I wake up each night and am entering new levels of fatigue :/ Just you wait little Edie until this cold is over - you will be learning to go back to sleep on your own! It's so fun to watch her be more and more aware - especially of her big sister Vera who gets lots of smiles from her. I hear little waking noises now, better be off.....

our little fuzzball:

*

She looked too cute here ♥

[matty got the hat for baby vera at our farmer's market]

*fotógrafa

I found these on the camera just now. This one is making me lol. ahahahaha

This one I actually kind of like! Good job, Vera!

*la avena

There's a newish health food store here that carries mostly items in bulk. I found out that if you buy really in bulk - like an entire 50 lb. bag of organic oats - you get an even bigger discount. So a friend and I [thankfully!] split the 50 lb. and now I feel like I'm in a race to use these up before they get "buggy" - as a lady from church informed me. 25 lbs. is even more than I thought it would be...

We've been eating lots of oatmeal, served with mashed banana, cinnamon and milk [Vera's favorite breakfast until she was introduced recently to honey nut cheerios.]. I personally have been eating a TON of granola. I tweaked my friend's recipe a bit and seriously LOVE it. In plain yogurt, milk or even on a peanut butter dipped spoon :) We also just made these really good oatmeal peanut butter chocolate chip cookies that I found on epicurious. I have yet to make my mom's oatmeal bread, but it's next on my list - you can see how much I like that bread on my other blog [that I haven't written on in a year or so]. Jenny, how are you faring?? I keep meaning to ask! Anyway, here's the granola recipe if you're interested, which you should be :)

:::::

3 C oats

1/2 C whole wheat flour

1/2 C almond meal

2 T wheat germ

1/4 C brown sugar

1 1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 C oil (I like coconut oil!)

1/4 C honey

1/4 C milk

a few handfuls of toasted almonds and grated coconut (best added near the end)

bake @ 300 for 50-60 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.

:::::

*normal

One day a week ago I realized that I was feeling normal. And I was even home alone with the girls in the late afternoon when I realized it! I thought I would just get it down *on paper* some of these thoughts and feelings I've had in the last few months. I go back and forth in my head wondering if I officially had/have postpartum depression. I'd read through some of the flyers from the hospital, answering "yes" to all their questions.. but I was and am still hesitant to label it depression. I mean that's such an official word, you know? I also didn't want to blame my attitude on something that would remove the responsibility from myself [like being selfish, lazy, tired, discontent etc.], but I definitely wasn't feeling right in the head - I can tell especially now that it seems to be gone.

It's funny, since I realized many of the 'symptoms' had faded, I've already started to forget exactly how to describe them. I didn't feel this all the time, or always intensely, but every day to a varying degree I felt helplessness, extreme loneliness, fear - of what? I don't even know, just fear and a sense of dread that something bad was going to happen. Isolation, claustrophobia, a feeling of being trapped and then a lot of guilt that I was not enjoying it all - "all" meaning the constant care and dependency of a newborn baby, feeling that I am just not good at it. Basically, I couldn't get my mind to rest. I cried a lot. Haha I love this - Ben was talking to Vera a few weeks ago and said, "She's a good mama, isn't she?" and Vera replied, "Yeah, she always cries sometimes." :)

I imagine much of this was due to the cold weather and not being able to get out of the house easily. Also I'm sure a lot had to do with the painful first months of nursing when it felt like hot knives in my chest all day, coupled with the anxiety of hoping it would work out as well as craaazy hormones crashing. And like I said, some of it is plain selfishness - I want to be able to up and go somewhere when I want to! I want to go to bed when I want to! I want this baby to stop being fussy and to just sleep an hour!

Things that helped were to get out every day, especially to see a friend every day. It helped to have a plan for the whole week, places to go, things to get done [small things]. Ben was extremely helpful and understanding - even when my emotions were totally irrational :) One friend said during the first 6 months with her second child she had the goal to just keep everyone alive by the end of the day - I tried to repeat that to myself to keep the pressure off. I also really tried to maintain prayer in my heart during quiet times - nursing, rocking to sleep, having my mate, though I do hope to get better about a Bible reading routine. It's also gotten easier as Edie has gotten bigger and more interactive, the weather is better and I think my hormones have finally settled.

I wanted to write this down, especially to just remember and possibly be able to encourage someone else that it will pass or encourage myself the next time that it will pass [though had it not passed, I would have gone to my midwife to see about taking something]. This baby-having is difficult! I really believe that children should be raised in a community - with friends and family all helping each other. Both at Thanksgiving and Christmas when we were with family, my mind felt happy and at rest. Both times, the fear and loneliness immediately came rushing right back. I don't really know how to write my "conclusion" here... I really just wanted to have it here to remember what I felt and what helped. If any of you friends need encouragement after having a new baby PLEASE let's talk :)

One thing - throughout all this, I have felt nothing but love and affection for little Eden. She really brings me so much joy - little, sweet, snuggly, warm, soft, smiley, fuzzy-headed Edie.

*tesoro!

Ben and Vera hunted for treasure the other afternoon. They made a map of the backyard with several red Xs and then he'd go to 'make sure there's some treasure' - hiding the marbles, coins and rocks. She was sooo excited about it all. With all the money she found, she's taking us to Disneyland!

Ben is really a great dad, if you haven't figured that out. He loves to play with Vera and loves to do special, fun, creative things together. I think because his dad was that way! Even Edie loves him - today he came home for a minute at lunch and she immediately started cooing and smiling at him, hoping for a little attention from her daddy :)

He's also great in encouraging me to get out. For tonight he bought Vera and I tickets to the Utah gymnastics meet!! Fun mommy/daughter time :)

*un suéter

I thought Edie looked so cute the other day in this sweater - knitted for either me or my sister when we were babies:

*la bicicleta

It's so crazy to see her riding a real bike! Such a little grown-up kid - she can ride all the way to the park and back! She definitely won't walk that far.

*3.5!

At 3 and a half years Vera Winters Cater...

*spends most of her day drawing, coloring, cutting up her drawings and colorings, doing puzzles over and over and over and dressing up. And asking to "watch something."

*loves her letters and writing. I think she can write almost all the uppercase letters and knows how to spell her own name, mom, daddy and maybe Eden. It's fun to have her help making a grocery list or something - she feels so grownup :)

*has been talking with Bunny a lot. I overhear little conversations like the following, not sure who is saying what:

This book is about dinosaurs.

I love dinosaurs!

You do?

Yes!

I didn't know that!

*still does not understand what parents are supposed to do and does not handle discipline very well: "Don't you remember what I said??!! I said you cannot give me time-outs anymore!!"

*is a very loving, caring, helpful, enthusiastic big sister.

3 stories I'd like to remember:

*At a party last weekend she was running around having tons of fun with some other kids. They were pretending there were monsters in one room and would run in and shoot at them over the couch. Only thing is Vera has no idea what shooting or guns are so she was just blindly copying her little friends. She clasped her hands but didn't keep her pointers out and smacked her palms together (hard to explain - basically she had it wrong) and shouted pow piaow! pow piaow! The innocence was so cute.

*We have a princess sing-a-long video with clips from Disney movies. A little while ago I secretely watched her watching "Kiss the Girl" from the Little Mermaid. When they are about to kiss she was so cute - a huge smile, but all embarrassed, hiding behind her hands. How does she already have that instinct??

*Kind of old, but I wanted to remember Christmas morning - the first that she really understood Santa and stockings and all. We were sharing a room at my parents' and I saw her wake up and stretch and then calmly with that I'm-trying-not-to-smile smile walk out to see her stocking. After she went through it, she said in her sleepy, raspy little voice, "Santa knew what I liked!! He didn't even ask!" So cute :) She was mostly referring to her pink scissors and some chocolate coins. Seriously those were her favorite gifts, the only ones she talks about!

*

Sarah [one of my bestest friends] and her fiancee came through town a couple weeks ago on the way to their new life together in Denver. It was so so great to finally meet Doug and sooo great to have my old friend here to share morning mate with. I had a mini sad meltdown as they drove away - why can't we all just live down the block from each other?

Anyway, I love this picture and have been meaning to share:

*el sueño

..thoughts on bedtime..

So every night is basically the same: Eden is super tired and ready for bed at 5:30. I nurse her and lay her down in her bassinette. She wakes up after about 30 minutes and I go in and rock her for a while until she's fast asleep again [not easy] and then lay down on the bed with her until I'm sure she's asleep - usually taking about an hour or more [the whole process is the same, even if it's started at a later time]. She usually then wakes again around 10:00. At first I was distraught about it all as my night basically ends at 5:30 with that half hour to finish dinner and eat. I'm usually too tired to do much after she's down and before I go to bed.

So anyway it was really stressing me out, but I made a conscious decision in the last week or two to just enjoy it: feeling the warm weight of her body in my arms, looking at her adorable little face and her little sleeping smiles, watching her little mouth twist and start sucking - looking for her binky, being needed and loved by this little growing girl. Also taking the opportunity while it's quiet and I'm alone to pray. [Of course sometimes I'll be thinking all this and she starts to squirm and wake and cry - then I get frustrated again :)] I remember after Vera learned to go to sleep on her own, she would almost never fall asleep in my arms anymore, and so I'm going to savor these moments of holding my sweet sleeping baby.

[not bedtime pictures obviously, just a sweet sleepy baby]

*la comida

I want you to know I am not totally consumed by babies and 3 year olds and their sleep issues. I still get really excited about a meal and take pictures of my food:

pesto from our garden!

pasta

goat cheese

toasted pinenuts

spinach

YUmmmmm