*normal

One day a week ago I realized that I was feeling normal. And I was even home alone with the girls in the late afternoon when I realized it! I thought I would just get it down *on paper* some of these thoughts and feelings I've had in the last few months. I go back and forth in my head wondering if I officially had/have postpartum depression. I'd read through some of the flyers from the hospital, answering "yes" to all their questions.. but I was and am still hesitant to label it depression. I mean that's such an official word, you know? I also didn't want to blame my attitude on something that would remove the responsibility from myself [like being selfish, lazy, tired, discontent etc.], but I definitely wasn't feeling right in the head - I can tell especially now that it seems to be gone.

It's funny, since I realized many of the 'symptoms' had faded, I've already started to forget exactly how to describe them. I didn't feel this all the time, or always intensely, but every day to a varying degree I felt helplessness, extreme loneliness, fear - of what? I don't even know, just fear and a sense of dread that something bad was going to happen. Isolation, claustrophobia, a feeling of being trapped and then a lot of guilt that I was not enjoying it all - "all" meaning the constant care and dependency of a newborn baby, feeling that I am just not good at it. Basically, I couldn't get my mind to rest. I cried a lot. Haha I love this - Ben was talking to Vera a few weeks ago and said, "She's a good mama, isn't she?" and Vera replied, "Yeah, she always cries sometimes." :)

I imagine much of this was due to the cold weather and not being able to get out of the house easily. Also I'm sure a lot had to do with the painful first months of nursing when it felt like hot knives in my chest all day, coupled with the anxiety of hoping it would work out as well as craaazy hormones crashing. And like I said, some of it is plain selfishness - I want to be able to up and go somewhere when I want to! I want to go to bed when I want to! I want this baby to stop being fussy and to just sleep an hour!

Things that helped were to get out every day, especially to see a friend every day. It helped to have a plan for the whole week, places to go, things to get done [small things]. Ben was extremely helpful and understanding - even when my emotions were totally irrational :) One friend said during the first 6 months with her second child she had the goal to just keep everyone alive by the end of the day - I tried to repeat that to myself to keep the pressure off. I also really tried to maintain prayer in my heart during quiet times - nursing, rocking to sleep, having my mate, though I do hope to get better about a Bible reading routine. It's also gotten easier as Edie has gotten bigger and more interactive, the weather is better and I think my hormones have finally settled.

I wanted to write this down, especially to just remember and possibly be able to encourage someone else that it will pass or encourage myself the next time that it will pass [though had it not passed, I would have gone to my midwife to see about taking something]. This baby-having is difficult! I really believe that children should be raised in a community - with friends and family all helping each other. Both at Thanksgiving and Christmas when we were with family, my mind felt happy and at rest. Both times, the fear and loneliness immediately came rushing right back. I don't really know how to write my "conclusion" here... I really just wanted to have it here to remember what I felt and what helped. If any of you friends need encouragement after having a new baby PLEASE let's talk :)

One thing - throughout all this, I have felt nothing but love and affection for little Eden. She really brings me so much joy - little, sweet, snuggly, warm, soft, smiley, fuzzy-headed Edie.