*la mayor

My relationship with Vera has really changed over the last year or so. Even when I was still pregnant, things were beginning to change as I was just so tired and uncomfortable. I should have written about this sooner, because it's evolved so much since even six months ago. I would say that during Edie's first few months I really 'mourned' the loss of our close relationship. I mean it's inevitable that we can't be tied at the hip like we were - total buddies, doing everything together always.  I will say that especially at the beginning I made a conscious effort to give Vera extra love, to include her in meaningful ways with the new baby and I think I did a good job at it. But, inevitably, caring for a newborn requires constant attention, attention that is often diverted away from the other child. I felt this sense of loss and it made me really really sad. During the last year, then, Vera has grown even closer with her dad [they have always been pretty close] and I felt the distance; I felt the preference for him. It hurt. Like when she told me a while ago that she wanted him to put her to bed, because "he's my favorite." It's obviously not a competition, but I was sad for the distance I felt widening between us.*

I actually started this several months ago and just found it in the drafts. Even since then I feel things have settled down in this area and I am less emotional about it.  Partly it's just the way things are.  I remember writing a long post right after I nursed Vera for the last time - I felt that tiny change, that first separation and knew it would never be the same.  Since then it's been a slow moving away, moving towards becoming her own little person.  I think with Edie I know what's coming and it makes me so sad - I just want to s.l.ow. it all down and keep my baby, my baby.  I think Vera and I have found other ways to be close, and I want to keep encouraging that.  Anyway...  I just love these two so SO much, that's all.

*Have you seen the episode of Modern Family where Phil is "the fun one?" Well that's us - haha.  I'm Claire. I am the serious one, the let's please eat your dinner now, enough silliness!  That's been hard - because obviously the 4 year old is going to gravitate to the fun one.  I had a bit of a hard time with that but am feeling fine now - I just need to spend quality time with my kids in a way that's me - walking at the park, cooking, drawing, reading, making things, etc.