*4 months!

I want to post these pictures of Edie at 4 months before I wait too long and she's 5 months! It's going by fast and I love to think what she'll be doing in the next 4 months :) So at her appointment last week she weighed 13 lbs 15 oz (50%) and was 24 3/4 inches long (75%). She has the cutest little soft voice and talks a lot - you just have to listen close :) She is ticklish on her tummy and neck and has the cutest little giggle. She has only rolled over a few times - from tummy to back. Her sleeping is getting even worse, if that's possible. I lose track of how many times I wake up each night and am entering new levels of fatigue :/ Just you wait little Edie until this cold is over - you will be learning to go back to sleep on your own! It's so fun to watch her be more and more aware - especially of her big sister Vera who gets lots of smiles from her. I hear little waking noises now, better be off.....

our little fuzzball:

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She looked too cute here ♥

[matty got the hat for baby vera at our farmer's market]

*fotógrafa

I found these on the camera just now. This one is making me lol. ahahahaha

This one I actually kind of like! Good job, Vera!

*la avena

There's a newish health food store here that carries mostly items in bulk. I found out that if you buy really in bulk - like an entire 50 lb. bag of organic oats - you get an even bigger discount. So a friend and I [thankfully!] split the 50 lb. and now I feel like I'm in a race to use these up before they get "buggy" - as a lady from church informed me. 25 lbs. is even more than I thought it would be...

We've been eating lots of oatmeal, served with mashed banana, cinnamon and milk [Vera's favorite breakfast until she was introduced recently to honey nut cheerios.]. I personally have been eating a TON of granola. I tweaked my friend's recipe a bit and seriously LOVE it. In plain yogurt, milk or even on a peanut butter dipped spoon :) We also just made these really good oatmeal peanut butter chocolate chip cookies that I found on epicurious. I have yet to make my mom's oatmeal bread, but it's next on my list - you can see how much I like that bread on my other blog [that I haven't written on in a year or so]. Jenny, how are you faring?? I keep meaning to ask! Anyway, here's the granola recipe if you're interested, which you should be :)

:::::

3 C oats

1/2 C whole wheat flour

1/2 C almond meal

2 T wheat germ

1/4 C brown sugar

1 1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 C oil (I like coconut oil!)

1/4 C honey

1/4 C milk

a few handfuls of toasted almonds and grated coconut (best added near the end)

bake @ 300 for 50-60 minutes, stirring every 10 minutes.

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*normal

One day a week ago I realized that I was feeling normal. And I was even home alone with the girls in the late afternoon when I realized it! I thought I would just get it down *on paper* some of these thoughts and feelings I've had in the last few months. I go back and forth in my head wondering if I officially had/have postpartum depression. I'd read through some of the flyers from the hospital, answering "yes" to all their questions.. but I was and am still hesitant to label it depression. I mean that's such an official word, you know? I also didn't want to blame my attitude on something that would remove the responsibility from myself [like being selfish, lazy, tired, discontent etc.], but I definitely wasn't feeling right in the head - I can tell especially now that it seems to be gone.

It's funny, since I realized many of the 'symptoms' had faded, I've already started to forget exactly how to describe them. I didn't feel this all the time, or always intensely, but every day to a varying degree I felt helplessness, extreme loneliness, fear - of what? I don't even know, just fear and a sense of dread that something bad was going to happen. Isolation, claustrophobia, a feeling of being trapped and then a lot of guilt that I was not enjoying it all - "all" meaning the constant care and dependency of a newborn baby, feeling that I am just not good at it. Basically, I couldn't get my mind to rest. I cried a lot. Haha I love this - Ben was talking to Vera a few weeks ago and said, "She's a good mama, isn't she?" and Vera replied, "Yeah, she always cries sometimes." :)

I imagine much of this was due to the cold weather and not being able to get out of the house easily. Also I'm sure a lot had to do with the painful first months of nursing when it felt like hot knives in my chest all day, coupled with the anxiety of hoping it would work out as well as craaazy hormones crashing. And like I said, some of it is plain selfishness - I want to be able to up and go somewhere when I want to! I want to go to bed when I want to! I want this baby to stop being fussy and to just sleep an hour!

Things that helped were to get out every day, especially to see a friend every day. It helped to have a plan for the whole week, places to go, things to get done [small things]. Ben was extremely helpful and understanding - even when my emotions were totally irrational :) One friend said during the first 6 months with her second child she had the goal to just keep everyone alive by the end of the day - I tried to repeat that to myself to keep the pressure off. I also really tried to maintain prayer in my heart during quiet times - nursing, rocking to sleep, having my mate, though I do hope to get better about a Bible reading routine. It's also gotten easier as Edie has gotten bigger and more interactive, the weather is better and I think my hormones have finally settled.

I wanted to write this down, especially to just remember and possibly be able to encourage someone else that it will pass or encourage myself the next time that it will pass [though had it not passed, I would have gone to my midwife to see about taking something]. This baby-having is difficult! I really believe that children should be raised in a community - with friends and family all helping each other. Both at Thanksgiving and Christmas when we were with family, my mind felt happy and at rest. Both times, the fear and loneliness immediately came rushing right back. I don't really know how to write my "conclusion" here... I really just wanted to have it here to remember what I felt and what helped. If any of you friends need encouragement after having a new baby PLEASE let's talk :)

One thing - throughout all this, I have felt nothing but love and affection for little Eden. She really brings me so much joy - little, sweet, snuggly, warm, soft, smiley, fuzzy-headed Edie.

*tesoro!

Ben and Vera hunted for treasure the other afternoon. They made a map of the backyard with several red Xs and then he'd go to 'make sure there's some treasure' - hiding the marbles, coins and rocks. She was sooo excited about it all. With all the money she found, she's taking us to Disneyland!

Ben is really a great dad, if you haven't figured that out. He loves to play with Vera and loves to do special, fun, creative things together. I think because his dad was that way! Even Edie loves him - today he came home for a minute at lunch and she immediately started cooing and smiling at him, hoping for a little attention from her daddy :)

He's also great in encouraging me to get out. For tonight he bought Vera and I tickets to the Utah gymnastics meet!! Fun mommy/daughter time :)

*un suéter

I thought Edie looked so cute the other day in this sweater - knitted for either me or my sister when we were babies:

*la bicicleta

It's so crazy to see her riding a real bike! Such a little grown-up kid - she can ride all the way to the park and back! She definitely won't walk that far.

*3.5!

At 3 and a half years Vera Winters Cater...

*spends most of her day drawing, coloring, cutting up her drawings and colorings, doing puzzles over and over and over and dressing up. And asking to "watch something."

*loves her letters and writing. I think she can write almost all the uppercase letters and knows how to spell her own name, mom, daddy and maybe Eden. It's fun to have her help making a grocery list or something - she feels so grownup :)

*has been talking with Bunny a lot. I overhear little conversations like the following, not sure who is saying what:

This book is about dinosaurs.

I love dinosaurs!

You do?

Yes!

I didn't know that!

*still does not understand what parents are supposed to do and does not handle discipline very well: "Don't you remember what I said??!! I said you cannot give me time-outs anymore!!"

*is a very loving, caring, helpful, enthusiastic big sister.

3 stories I'd like to remember:

*At a party last weekend she was running around having tons of fun with some other kids. They were pretending there were monsters in one room and would run in and shoot at them over the couch. Only thing is Vera has no idea what shooting or guns are so she was just blindly copying her little friends. She clasped her hands but didn't keep her pointers out and smacked her palms together (hard to explain - basically she had it wrong) and shouted pow piaow! pow piaow! The innocence was so cute.

*We have a princess sing-a-long video with clips from Disney movies. A little while ago I secretely watched her watching "Kiss the Girl" from the Little Mermaid. When they are about to kiss she was so cute - a huge smile, but all embarrassed, hiding behind her hands. How does she already have that instinct??

*Kind of old, but I wanted to remember Christmas morning - the first that she really understood Santa and stockings and all. We were sharing a room at my parents' and I saw her wake up and stretch and then calmly with that I'm-trying-not-to-smile smile walk out to see her stocking. After she went through it, she said in her sleepy, raspy little voice, "Santa knew what I liked!! He didn't even ask!" So cute :) She was mostly referring to her pink scissors and some chocolate coins. Seriously those were her favorite gifts, the only ones she talks about!

*

Sarah [one of my bestest friends] and her fiancee came through town a couple weeks ago on the way to their new life together in Denver. It was so so great to finally meet Doug and sooo great to have my old friend here to share morning mate with. I had a mini sad meltdown as they drove away - why can't we all just live down the block from each other?

Anyway, I love this picture and have been meaning to share:

*el sueño

..thoughts on bedtime..

So every night is basically the same: Eden is super tired and ready for bed at 5:30. I nurse her and lay her down in her bassinette. She wakes up after about 30 minutes and I go in and rock her for a while until she's fast asleep again [not easy] and then lay down on the bed with her until I'm sure she's asleep - usually taking about an hour or more [the whole process is the same, even if it's started at a later time]. She usually then wakes again around 10:00. At first I was distraught about it all as my night basically ends at 5:30 with that half hour to finish dinner and eat. I'm usually too tired to do much after she's down and before I go to bed.

So anyway it was really stressing me out, but I made a conscious decision in the last week or two to just enjoy it: feeling the warm weight of her body in my arms, looking at her adorable little face and her little sleeping smiles, watching her little mouth twist and start sucking - looking for her binky, being needed and loved by this little growing girl. Also taking the opportunity while it's quiet and I'm alone to pray. [Of course sometimes I'll be thinking all this and she starts to squirm and wake and cry - then I get frustrated again :)] I remember after Vera learned to go to sleep on her own, she would almost never fall asleep in my arms anymore, and so I'm going to savor these moments of holding my sweet sleeping baby.

[not bedtime pictures obviously, just a sweet sleepy baby]

*la comida

I want you to know I am not totally consumed by babies and 3 year olds and their sleep issues. I still get really excited about a meal and take pictures of my food:

pesto from our garden!

pasta

goat cheese

toasted pinenuts

spinach

YUmmmmm

*la colección

Vera is really proud and loves to show off her "collection" which has been going since the summertime. She's especially excited because it's just like Don's on Dinosaur Train!

One bottle cap, one shell, 2 dried leaves, a glass rock, a plastic eyeball, a dried flower, a sparkly ribbon [found at the park yesterday] and most importantly the real fossil of a trilobyte from Grandpop.

*V

I keep meaning to look back and see what Vera looked like at Edie's ages... I just did and am so surprised at how different they look! I was thinking besides the hair color, they looked a lot the same. I see now how fair Vera was/is! Edie looks like she has a little tan - especially on her tummy :) Also Vera was so bald whereas Edie has this noticeable little layer of brown fuzz.

Look how pink Bunny was!!

Vera was a lot stronger - I have a video of her rolling over before 3 months.

Look - she slept in her crib! Edie has slept 'till morning in her bassinette probably 3 times.

*

Did you know Bunny and Monkey are married? They even have a baby bunny. Here is Bunny all dressed up to get married [they already had a long time ago, this was a second ceremony apparently]. Monkey was still getting ready and wouldn't let me get his picture.


A side note, Bunny has a hole in her face. Vera says it hurts :( I bought a little iron on patch at JoAnn's - hope I don't make a disaster out of it!!

*más

Several of you gave me permission to take more pictures:

Vera thinks this one is hilARious

*papi

She totally knows and loves her daddy, it's so sweet.

..getting ready for tubby-time..

*unas fotos

I know I said I was trying to take less pictures... well it's harder said than done. Here's some random ones from the last week or two:::....

I love how when she dresses up she doesn't care if her hair is full of tangles or she has her pjs on underneath. Here she was dressed up as "The Princess.............of the Soul" and her unicorn was dressed as "Mervilla the Zoo".

Helping me look like a princess:

poor Edie gets a little too much love from her sister:

Sorry, I just think she's so cute!!! Especially so in her little tea dress from my friend, Shannon. I love to hold her like this in front of me and have little cooing, smiling baby conversations.

She always has her hands in her mouth:

Yesterday and today were amazingly warmish again. At the park with Tia:

She really wanted to wear her tank top, so I explained layering - which she didn't quite get. Notice though the skinny jeans I once bribed her to wear but she now loves!! All it took was Auntie J embroidering a pink heart by the pocket:

all bundled up for a walk. sporting her new elfish hat from Sam + Mimi's grandma:

*hermanitas

::notice Edie's new little double chin::

*enero

January is notoriously disgusting around here with an inversion that gives us super cold and super smoggy air - like the worst in the country. Well I guess notorious to the locals - no one tells you until you move here [same with Missoula!]. So anyway we hardly get outside, especially with little Eden. Today was slightly warmer and slightly clearer - I could see all the way to the traffic light at the end of the street! I couldn't find the bjorn or sling so we just walked up and down the block once. Seriously even that 5 minutes of being outside was so refreshing!! I am vowing to get out and do that every day no matter what.

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Edie thinks it's sooo funny every time I tell her "you're a little stinker!" -

like after this 20 minute nap.

*tres mesitos!

Happy 3 months, Eden!

I am seriously in love with this little baby - I love her little body, little legs, little hands that grab anything, little coos and squeaks and baby conversations, little big smile that lights up her face when she sees her mommy, daddy or sister. Ben has heard little almost-laughs, but we're still waiting for a big one :) Vera did right at 3 months, so we'll see.

I keep having to tell myself that things will keep changing, it's not going to stay this way. Right now we're on a not-so-easy stretch. We try to put her to bed around 6-7 when she looks super sleepy but she just will not stay asleep! I lay her down and 25 minutes later she's awake and I have to rock her another 45 minutes and lay down with her on the bed until she's finally in a deep sleep. Then she may sleep 4-5 hours but then is up every 1.5-2 hours after that. I am exhausted especially because I often don't fall back asleep until right before she wakes up again and Vera has been waking up once or twice as well to be tucked back in. She had been doing great napping as well - since coming home from Christmas I could lay her down peacefully awake for all her naps which were almost always 25 minutes long but at least she'd take them! The last couple days she's been fussy when I lay her down and if she sleeps, still fussy when she gets up. I don't know how to make her sleep as long as she obviously needs to!! I know everyone who reads this blog is so interested in my children's sleep habits, so there you go :)

On a good note, breastfeeding does not hurt anymore!! YAY!!!