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I've been having a rough couple weeks struggling with a lot of impatience and anger towards Vera and her fits and stubborness [yes yes I know what my parents are probably saying]. I haven't been sleeping well - mostly because she wakes up to sleep with us most nights and crowds me down into the lower quarter of the bed, grr. The 2 biggest reasons though I've been having such a tough time are 1) my selfishness and 2) lack of any sort of devotional or Bible reading/praying.

So I finally picked up a book the other night - an old one by Elisabeth Elliot called Keeping a Quiet Heart. I didn't plan on writing this just now, and so the book and its amazing opening quote are upstairs... Basically she wrote how little inconveniences in our days, those things that interupt our plan are really the opportunities we have to serve God and others. When Vera whines and frantically cries for the 10th time for one more [(*&#ing] song at night or insists on me putting a [*(&*ing] diaper on for her to go poop I should take those opportunites to show her patience, kindness, understanding, love. Let go of my selfish want for everything to go HOW I WANT. I want you to go to bed now so I can go sit at the computer or watch tv or just be by myself!! I want you to grow up and go on the potty so I don't have to deal with it! I've felt real tangible anger surging up at these moments and I don't like it and I don't want my daughter to experience it either. I have made it a point then to get back into starting my day with reading and prayer - specifically prayer for forgiveness and for patience and help. and guess what? Today I was able to calmly hold her for about an hour during a crying fit, I didn't bribe or mention poopoo on the potty even once and calmly sang her another song at bedtime, and then another [with Ben. thank you, Ben]. and what a good day it was!

[usual apology here for a long personal post... really helps to put it in writing.]