*disappointed

We got news yesterday that Ben did not get the job in California.  All signs had pointed towards him getting it - every interview so encouraging, we were almost sure he had it and had let ourselves get a little dreamy in our plans. Ben has been working so incredibly hard for the last eight years and it would have just been so amazing to get this, to be near his family and all the friends we have there [Ben had even dreamed a few times of taking Vera surfing].  I really wanted it for him. I wanted it for all of us of course.

When he got his first interview, I really just prayed that he would be encouraged by it. There are so few jobs out there with so many applicants - I knew a job was a long shot, and so I prayed for a good interview, for him to come away feeling positive and encouraged.  And he did!!  Like a hundred fold.  I was so thankful.  Then I was so thankful and proud when his final interview came and went - they really thought highly of him and his work - it was really an answer to prayer.

As it seemed more of a possibility, I actually became a little more pessimistic.  I felt like God wasn't going to give us the easy route, that growth in faith doesn't happen that way.  That's what I felt, but obviously not what I wanted.  It's such a struggle, a hard thing to pray for peace and trust in God's plan, knowing there is also an outcome that you want.  All my devotions around this time have been words of trust in adversity or in disappointment, how God works in us most when we have to rely on Him.  I'm telling you I did not want to have to be in that situation.  I confess my lack of faith and my selfishness.

Even the night before he got the answer, I came across this excerpt in the biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer that I am reading, and had a feeling it was for us too:  

Bonhoeffer was an eternal optimist because he believed what God said through the scriptures.  He knew that whatever befell him or the faithful brethren would open new opportunities in which God would operate, in which his provision would become clear.

This was said by the man who was later executed for his role in Hitler's assassination attempt!  So really, I need to 'buck up.' I know that God is using this to teach us to trust in Him for the future.  I am thankful for this opportunity to see how He provides. I just need a little time too - to come to grips with that :(

I will say that I am just incredibly, over-the-top proud of Ben.  You have no idea how hard he has worked over these years and how hard he worked to put everything together for the interviews.  It sounds like what happened is the committee and dept. chair really liked Ben and possibly preferred him, but there was another candidate who has his Phd and law degree in hand and had been teaching already at the University for a number of years.  Ben is actually dealing with this better than I am - he said a week or two ago that if he didn't end up getting it, he would know it was God's plan, that there is actually comfort in the mystery of not knowing "why" - we can't know why, but we can know there is a why.

Anyway, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers and encouragement, everyone!